Thursday, January 17, 2008

Connecting Souls

Recently a friend and I were discussing soulmates and whether or not you have just one, or many.

It has been on my mind, and I've come to the conclusion that yes, I believe there are many soulmates out there for each individual. I'm not talking purely romantic here (though I do believe that it's possible there is not just one "right" person out there for you to find and settle down and share your life with).

I'm talking about people that come into your life and have a true connection to you. The ones that lend a helping hand, give the perfect advice, tell a funny joke to get you through a moment, or perhaps come into your life negatively.

By negatively, I don't mean the person themselves, but instead the effect said person has on your life. Perhaps intervening on your life and thus changing your relationship with someone else.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that our actions, the choices, even the mistakes we make all help to mold us as the person we are. I think with each passing day, we change. Perhaps not monumental changes, but subtle changes that may lead up to more monumental changes.

I'm an entirely different person than I was 10 years ago. Heck, I'm even an entirely different person than I was 3 years ago.

As I've gotten older, I've changed. I have developed friendships with people that I never would have thought I'd have a connection with. I've gotten a listening ear from those I least expected. As I've grown, I've matured more and learned more and experienced more.

The past couple years I have felt myself grow apart from my husband. On two separate occassions, I have spoken the word divorce. When I married him, I was 20 years old and thought I had all the answers. We have both grown and changed alot over the years.

It scares me, and hurts me to know that I'm going to be the one to wound him. I care about him, and love him, for he's the father of my children. He's the one that has been the one in my life for almost 9 years. I just can't look at him and feel what I did back when I married him. I've tried, hopeful to turn things around, scared all the while to admit failure (Lord knows how many times I heard "You're too young to get married!" - I swore to myself I'd prove them wrong, and look at me now).

I haven't had a good sit down with my husband, in fear that it was going to escalate to a war and I just don't want to do that. We have two children to look out for, and living arrangements that - at the moment - cannot be changed. When he reads this - it will be the first he's really gotten a good glimpse into what is going on in my head and my heart.

I am reconsidering this post, but know that sooner or later I just have to swallow my pride, realize there's something holding us both back from complete happiness, and stop being so damn selfish. So I will continue and click that publish button, and there will be no turning back.

I'm emotional. Scared. Sick to my stomach. But also a bit relieved, hopeful and anxious.

5 comments:

Melissa said...

You guys are in my thoughts...

Jess said...

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you, Sarah!

Karyn said...

Sarah, if there is anything at all I can do to help, please let me know. I'll be praying for you both!

mackeydoodle said...

I want to say so much but I kind of fell it is not my place to.
But then again this is a blog & you choose to have it public.
I can not tell you how to live your life. I read you blog & I know the bits about you that you choose to share. I will not pass jusgement on anyone because I am not in your & your husbands shoes. The one thing I really want to say is please reconsider.
When I read the word divorce my heart fell into my feet.
I am not against divorce but I think to many people use it to easily.
There was a reason you fell in love with the man that you did. Work & children can build walls between a couple & sometime some counselling & some time away together can help you see why you fell in love in the first place.
I am not trying to step on any toes here......just hoping I can say a word or two that would save a lot of heartbreak.
My heart goes out to you & your family right now. I hope you can find the love that once brought you so close together.
((((hugs)))) to you.

Kristabella said...

I think it is good for you to put it out there, even if you ultimately delete it. If you’re anything like me, you need to write things out to really get to the bottom of what you’re feeling.

I wish you all the best and I hope it works out for the very best for everyone involved, whatever that may be. Good luck!