Connecting Souls

Recently a friend and I were discussing soulmates and whether or not you have just one, or many.

It has been on my mind, and I've come to the conclusion that yes, I believe there are many soulmates out there for each individual. I'm not talking purely romantic here (though I do believe that it's possible there is not just one "right" person out there for you to find and settle down and share your life with).

I'm talking about people that come into your life and have a true connection to you. The ones that lend a helping hand, give the perfect advice, tell a funny joke to get you through a moment, or perhaps come into your life negatively.

By negatively, I don't mean the person themselves, but instead the effect said person has on your life. Perhaps intervening on your life and thus changing your relationship with someone else.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that our actions, the choices, even the mistakes we make all help to mold us as the person we are. I think with each passing day, we change. Perhaps not monumental changes, but subtle changes that may lead up to more monumental changes.

I'm an entirely different person than I was 10 years ago. Heck, I'm even an entirely different person than I was 3 years ago.

As I've gotten older, I've changed. I have developed friendships with people that I never would have thought I'd have a connection with. I've gotten a listening ear from those I least expected. As I've grown, I've matured more and learned more and experienced more.

The past couple years I have felt myself grow apart from my husband. On two separate occassions, I have spoken the word divorce. When I married him, I was 20 years old and thought I had all the answers. We have both grown and changed alot over the years.

It scares me, and hurts me to know that I'm going to be the one to wound him. I care about him, and love him, for he's the father of my children. He's the one that has been the one in my life for almost 9 years. I just can't look at him and feel what I did back when I married him. I've tried, hopeful to turn things around, scared all the while to admit failure (Lord knows how many times I heard "You're too young to get married!" - I swore to myself I'd prove them wrong, and look at me now).

I haven't had a good sit down with my husband, in fear that it was going to escalate to a war and I just don't want to do that. We have two children to look out for, and living arrangements that - at the moment - cannot be changed. When he reads this - it will be the first he's really gotten a good glimpse into what is going on in my head and my heart.

I am reconsidering this post, but know that sooner or later I just have to swallow my pride, realize there's something holding us both back from complete happiness, and stop being so damn selfish. So I will continue and click that publish button, and there will be no turning back.

I'm emotional. Scared. Sick to my stomach. But also a bit relieved, hopeful and anxious.