Sunday, May 27, 2012

The post that kills me to write.

It has been awhile. A bunch of crap has gone on. Some good. Some bad. In early March, I had a really, really hard time coping with the fact that I was *still* unemployed. As I sat alone, hiding out, with tears streaming down my cheeks, my cell phone rang. It was my old boss. He told me that his brother was looking for an office manager for his company. I got his info, gave him a call, went in for an interview and got the job. My first day was March 12. I can't say it's everything I ever hoped for, but my boss is great and it keeps food in my kid's bellies and a roof over our heads. Soon after I started there, my cat got very sick. I thought it was the end. But then, he got better. I was relieved. And then, things just started changing. On Sunday, April 29th, he couldn't get comfortable. He had been laying next to me in my chair, where he often would snuggle up with me while I would use my laptop or read a book. He kept getting up and repositioning himself. He was very restless. I took note of that, and then he jumped down and left the room. When he came back in, he jumped onto the arm of the chair and was face level with me. He rubbed his face against mine, loving on me, sniffing my lips and pushing his head against my lips so that I could give him kisses. I just thought he was being affectionate. It wasn't until the next day, I realized this was probably his way of thanking me for so many wonderful years, and telling me that he loved me. That night I woke up when he jumped down off the chair in our room and made a lot of noise. Again, he was restless, moving around the room. I knew something wasn't right. That morning he wouldn't eat. He drank a lot of water and then threw up. I left for work. I guess I was just hoping that I'd go to work, and he'd be better when I got home. I called to check up on him a couple hours later. He was still vomiting. And he cried out when he jumped up onto my dad's lap. I called the vet and left work in tears. I spent that day following my cat wherever he went. I wouldn't leave his side. He got progressively worse during the day. Twice he freaked out and dashed about the house like he was possessed. The kids got home from school, and I told them they had to say their goodbyes. That was incredibly hard to do. When it came time to leave, Cosmo was surprisingly calm on the car ride over to the vet. I told him he was such a good boy, and that I loved him so much. I stayed with him in the room while the vet administered the shot. It was so quick. I never would have imagined it would have been over so quickly, but it was. They left me in the room with him for as long as I wanted. I couldn't stop petting him. It was awful to have to leave that room, leave him just lying there. I got home, went upstairs, crawled into bed and sobbed. It has been almost a month now since I said goodbye to my best friend. My heart still aches tremendously, and even as I write this, I have tears streaming down my face. His ashes are in a special urn with an engraved face of a cat on it. We are in the process of putting together a special memorial spot for him amongst our flower bed in the yard. I still feel an emptiness and a longing for my pal. I find myself still looking in the places he liked to lay, expecting to find him there. I find myself with his name on the tip of my tongue, just about to call out to him. And then I realize he's no longer here. I wonder when it will ever stop hurting. I miss you so much, Cosmo. So, so much.

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Things are changing.....Good things are coming....

My recruiter called me this morning with an update.

They loved me at the interview, but unfortunately, they wanted a bit more accounting experience for that position.


They loved me so much (my recruiter's words), they are looking to see if they can find somewhere else for me within the company. Honestly, I am floored that they are willing to do this. Most companies focus on filling the position they are looking to fill, and move on. If you don't fit what they are looking for, they graciously say we're sorry and move on.

So, at this point I'm still in limbo .... waiting ....

I know God is working on something great for me. And so I will patiently wait.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

And now I give it over to God....

A few weeks ago I met with a recruiter and have been in touch a few times since.

Yesterday afternoon she called me to tell me of a new position they got and to see if I was interested. Everything seemed right about it, and she told me she'd present me to the company and let me know if they wanted to meet with me.

She called me this morning that they wanted me to come in.


I met with them this afternoon, and I thought it went well. Of course, replaying it in my mind, I'm second guessing everything now.

I'm hoping I hear back that they want me to come in for a 2nd interview.

On the drive home, I was over thinking everything and starting to panic a little. Suddenly the thought "Give it over to God" popped into my mind, and I suddenly felt at ease.

So, that's what I'm doing. And I'll just wait to see what happens.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

A recap to the end of 2011

It's been quite awhile since I've posted. The holidays are over and we're already nearly halfway thru the first month of 2012.

Honestly, it's best that I haven't updated because there wouldn't have been a lot of positivity.

Not that I have good news to share with you all now, I am just choosing to not dwell on how much it all sucks and instead put out there that:


God is just testing our limits, and I just know He's got something good in store for us. We just needed to make our way through the muck first.

So, just what has been keeping us busy this past month or so?

I'm still unemployed. Continuing to look. I met with a recruiter and hope to have a little more leads that way.

My son turned 10 in December. Double-digits. How is that possible? In other news, for the 2nd year in a row, he made the school spelling bee, which we are very proud of.

Shortly after his birthday, I came down with strep throat. That was fun. At the same time, my ear acted up again like it had back in March. After numerous visits to the ENT, a round of steroids and an anti-viral, several hearing tests, a brain MRI and an electrocochleography --- I still have no definitive answer as to why this has happened (with hearing loss) twice now.

Christmas went all too quickly.

4 days after Christmas, I receive a phone call at 1:30 in the morning. You know it's never good when the phone rings in the middle of the night. Mike was in a car accident. He was fine (Thank God!), but his car was not. It was totaled by the insurance company, and we were forced to go buy a new (used) car and take on a 2nd car payment. Now I wonder how we'll continue to make ends meet with another monthly expense.

5 days after his car accident, we're taking down all the Christmas decorations. He falls off the roof. Scariest thing I've ever witnessed and again, Thank GOD he was okay, but he was INCREDIBLY sore for a few days after. To a point that he'd be moaning in his sleep.

It's been a rough patch, and there are days that I don't even want to pull myself out of bed.

But I try to keep looking forward.

Mike is fine, and the car was replaceable.

Finances are so tight it might mean eating ramen noodles or skipping a meal a day (for us at least, never the kids) and staying in the house in the more.

But I know a fabulous job is out there for me....and I will get it!

I may not have an answer about my ear, but it's better now and my doctor is pro-active and doesn't push me out the door, rolling his eyes and thinking I'm crazy.

We WILL triumph!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

When is enough, enough?

For nearly a week now, I've been dealing with persistent digestive/stomach issues. Now, I am no stranger to these "flare ups" and "attacks". I've been dealing with it for years. Sometimes I'll go weeks without any problems. Sometimes it's a couple days in a row that I have issues.

This is the longest I've ever had issues, and to be honest, it's scaring me.

To some people, this may not seem like a big deal. So what? It's just IBS (it could be, who knows?). Oh, easy fix. It's just a food allergy (doubtful since I can't pinpoint one or two particular things). Why am I so concerned then?

Because of that positive ANA test I had. The rheumatologist told me there was no auto-immune disease, but he was going to run more tests again, just in case. I never went in to have the blood drawn for them. But that keeps playing in mind -- why did that ANA test come back positive if there's nothing wrong?

And you know what? Stomach issues like I'm having could very well be an auto-immune disease itself. It could be just something that goes hand in hand with a different disease.

And it may not be anything auto-immune at all. Maybe it's nothing serious. Maybe it's something worse. I'm afraid at what the answers may be.

But I'm tired of dealing with the pain, the discomfort, the what-ifs and the worry. I need to be brave and go see the doctor. Do you suppose Santa will bring me some courage for Christmas, or do I need to go see the Wizard?

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

How can it be?

Time is flying faster and faster.

I'm still unemployed and while that's depressing, it is kinda nice to be home. I get to put the kids on the bus in the morning, there have been a couple times I've gone and had lunch with them at school, and I can welcome them home after school.

But, there's that money thing. Or the lack thereof. Things will be tighter now. Mike's health insurance finally kicked in at work, which means his paychecks will be smaller. Quite a bit smaller. It's ridiculous how much health insurance costs to cover the entire family with medical, dental and vision. But how can you do without it?

At any rate, I just continue to hope that I find a job soon. Or win the lottery. Of course, you have to play to win. There goes that idea.

Amazing that it's October already. Soon we'll have a pile of candy we don't know what to do with. Heck, we know what to do with it. Eat it. We'll start putting up the massive amounts of Christmas lights while we're still buzzing from a "I-ate-the-kids-trick-or-treat-stash" sugar high.

And then, it's all down hill from there. Once Halloween is over, you may as well write off the remainder of the year. Because from then on it's NON. STOP.

Weekends are already busy, and by the time Thanksgiving is here, we're pretty much booked solid with parties, get togethers, baking, shopping, wrapping.....the list goes on.

I'm tired just thinking about it.

No, wait. I'm just tired. Period.

There hasn't been a lot of sleep lately. My poor boy came down with something on October 1st. Long story short; a visit to the doctor, no improvement and then a trip to urgent care finally got us a diagnosis on October 7. Pneumonia. Here we are on October 12, and he finally returned to school. He also finished his antibiotic this morning. And - most importantly - I think the cough is gone. I don't recall hearing him cough ONCE since he's been home from school. And it seems he was able to fall right asleep tonight.

This makes my heart soar!!! My poor boy would cough and cough - one night for an hour straight between 2 and 3 in the morning. He'd nearly throw up from all the coughing.

It kills me to see them sick. Especially when they really suffer with something. A normal cold doesn't typically knock them down. But when it's something that really makes them miserable.... it breaks my heart.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

10 Years Later, We Remember

We'll Never Forget.

It's a phrase that was coined back in 2001, and how true it rings.

Even today, the events of the day are still fresh in my mind.

I was 6 months pregnant with my son, and the phone rang. It was still rather early (being as we're an hour behind the East coast), so a phone call at this hour was not usual. It was my mother, who told me to turn on the tv, that a plane hit the World Trade Center.

I hung up with my mom, and watched the news footage as I got ready for work. Honestly, the only thing I can't really remember is if she had called me before or after the 2nd tower was struck.

I know they mentioned the words "foul play" on the news, and the naive-positive-thinker in me looked at my husband and said "What does that mean? They think it was done on purpose?"

I continued on my way to work, having only the radio to keep me filled in on what was going on. As soon as I arrived at the office, I immediately sent emails to family that lives in CT and I knew worked in NYC, as the phone lines were so tied up, there was no reaching them. I scoured the web for any news feeds, as we all had to inform us in the office was the radio.

I felt helpless, and a bit disconnected from what was going on. I was a member of several mailing lists, and the flow of emails was quick and constant. It was my only "real-time" source aside from the radio.

As I was receiving more and more information about what was happening, the more frightened we became at work, and the more I wanted to go home. I kept in touch with my husband by phone. He was at a very large, busy mall in the area, and I was getting news of many popular, highly populated or busy areas being evacuated or closed. We had no idea what was happening, and at this point no one felt safe.

I was feeling a bunch of emotions; scared, worried, helpless, but it wasn't until I got an email from my Uncle that they were all okay, that I started to truly grasp everything.

I called my mom and couldn't even get the words out, as my voice broke and the tears flowed. I sat at my desk and cried.

Both towers had been struck, the Pentagon was struck, a plane went down in PA, the entire airspace was shut down for the first time in history, the towers both collapsed....

My boss called and instructed "Finish up and go home."

Upon another phone call to my husband, the mall was going back and forth on their decision whether or not to close, and the corporate headquarters of his company was based in NYC so he could not reach them by phone. He had made the decision to close just before the mall finally instructed that they would be closing the entire facility.

There were many more tears that day. I fell asleep with swollen eyes and an ache in my heart.

And now, 10 years later, those tears still flow just as easily and that ache in my heart remains. To think about those people that had just sat down at their desks, or the firefighters who were only trying to get people to safety, or the innocent children on those flights, those individuals who leaped to their death.....

They were husbands and fathers. Sisters and brothers. Wives and mothers. Cousins. Aunts and Uncles. Grandparents. Sons and daughters. Grandchildren. Coworkers. Friends.

The entire nation, the entire world .... watched that day.

And the truth in the matter is, We Will NEVER forget.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Top 10

I found out that I'm in the top 10 out of over 30 applications they had for the position. Seems that the next step is that they'll be sitting down to go thru those and proceed with making phone calls for interviews next week.

I'm excited to have made the top 10, however, I'm also looking at this that I've only got a 10% chance.

I'm incredibly nervous. Not even sure what else to say at this point, other than....