Sunday, February 25, 2007


This weather is depressing. I am tired of the snow, the wet ground, and being cooped up inside.

I don't think I've ever had Spring Fever quite as bad as I do right now.

We just got another winter storm yesterday and overnight. It dumped several more inches of snow on us, as well as ice and rain to make it extra mushy.

Just when it warmed up slightly for a couple days and melted most of the snow away, here we are looking at a completely white ground again.

I can't wait until it's nice enough to take the kids to the park, and invite friends and neighbors over to hang out in the backyard, firing up the grill and eating favorites like burgers and hot dogs.

I want the ickies to go away, and for everyone to be healthy. I want the sun to shine, I want the ground to dry, and I want to be able to go for walks, to be able to go out and snap photos. I want to be in a good mood for once.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

And it just keeps getting better


Seriously, it's only February and I'm already wanting to fast forward and get the hell out of the year 2007.

How is possible that so many bad things can happen to just one family?

Losing a parent, losing a job, and more sickness in the last two weeks than we've had nearly for a year.

Both kids had pink eye. Which Mike ended up catching. All of us had colds, so there was alot of coughing, sneezing and boogers in the house. Then my cold seemed to be on the up and out, which was rather surprising, as I'm known to have a cold linger for at least 2-3 weeks. Sunday night I end up with a horrible sore throat. It persists throughout the day yesterday (Monday). In the meantime, Kaelynn is running a fever. She's got the cold, and she didn't complain of anything else, so we treated it with pain reliever. Still has a fever Monday, so Mike calls the pediatrician. They want to see her. She's got a DOUBLE ear infection, and the pediatrician is shocked that she wasn't complaining since she's got PUS in her ears. Good grief. Here it is Tuesday. I'm still feeling crummy. Sore throat, neck hurts, glands are swollen, headache, queasy and I almost passed out twice at work. I finally leave work at 1:30 and head to the immediate care facility. I'm diagnosed with tonsilitis.

So, I've got myself a 10 day prescription of the biggest pink horse pills I have ever seen and my daughter has herself a giant bottle of pink liquid, which they graciously added watermelon flavoring to for her.

I just don't think we're ever going to catch a break. Just when we think things might be returning to normal, something else springs up.

No news on the job front. I thought maybe we'd have had good news by now, but nothing. I can't even begin to describe the emotional rollercoaster I've been on lately. Maybe that's why my health is going down the toilet. I had another mild "attack" tonight with my stomach issues, and I'm sure it has to do with everything going on right now.

Here I am ill, but planning to go into work tomorrow because, well, it's the only regular paycheck we've got coming in right now. Sure, I have vacation time - but do I want to start pissing it away a day here and a day there? Bills still need to be paid. I can't likely call a creditor and say "Yeah, well you know how it goes. My husband is between jobs right now, so I'll get you your money as soon as we have money coming in again".

And with being sick, and just not having the energy or desire, I haven't been listing much on ebay lately. I've managed to get a few auctions up here and there, but it's time consuming and I'm not that impressed with the way the summer clothing is selling right now. It is money, and I'll keep at it, but I need to be able to dedicate several hours a week to it for it to be worthwhile, and right now I can't give that.

All I have to say is this: 2007 sucks.

Sunday, February 11, 2007


A bit less than a year ago I was going through a pretty low point in my life, questioning who I was and where I was going.

I've managed to keep my head above water, sticking it out with my husband, feeling relatively normal. I was pretty close to throwing in the towel, and when I had attempted to do that, I was "disowned" by my family.

I'm not even sure I've spoken about it at length here. It hurts even today to think about my mother spitting the words "I disown you as a daughter" to me. It was extremely selfish of her, and I'm not being dishonest when I say that I will never forget those words, and that they have effected our relationship in a way.

I appreciate my mother greatly, and I will be saddened the day I no longer have her in my life. But believe me, when she so selfishly blamed me for my feelings, I'm surprised I didn't turn away and leave everything behind.

You see, the biggest reason she was going to disown me when I spoke the word divorce; it was all because of the house. I was being selfish because her and my father would need to find somewhere else to live. My happiness plays no part, I guess. Instead, we can live in a house filled with tension, anger and pretend to be happy.

Yes, last year I spoke the words to my husband of 5.5 years at the time, that I wanted to split up. And I was sworn at, belittled and disowned because I even thought of it. I had no choice. Knowing I couldn't do it without support, I stuck it out. And the biggest support I was getting - was from my husband.

I can't say that it's been bad doing so, but things are still not the same. I feel even a bit guilty that I've been lying to myself about how I'm feeling. This whole job loss has intensified everything for me. Now adding a worry of even being able to financially keep the house. Heaven forbid my folks need to find a new place to live because we couldn't pay our share of the mortgage. I'll likely be disowned then, too.

I realize that even if they were willing, we couldn't sell this house. The market is crap right now anyway, and the houses here are not selling, nor will they be as construction continues. Who's going to buy a lived-in house when they can have one of their own built? So, S T U C K is the word to sum up how I'm feeling.

I am not entirely sure I even know what I want. Well, if I did, it probably wouldn't be feasible at any rate, so why bother?

The only slight bit of good news is that Mike does have an interview tomorrow evening. This will be the third interview with this particular company, and we're hopeful that it will also entail a job offer. And I'm sure, as always, shitty hours. But, you do what you gotta do when there are bills to be paid. And you do what you gotta do to please everyone else, just stuffing your own feelings, pushing your own heart, to the back of the closet.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

S . T . R . E . S . S

2007 is not off to a good start, AT ALL.

Braeden has pink eye. In BOTH eyes. I called the answering service this evening, and since I had to be put on hold, I figured it was a busy night. It had been quite a while since I called, with no return call from the pediatrician. In the meantime, B is complaining that he can't see. We decide that Mike will take him over to the urgent care so that we can get him on an antibiotic quickly, without having to try to get him squeezed in at his doctor's office tomorrow. Just as they were getting their coats and shoes on, the pediatrician called back.

Simply said "Yes, no doubt it's conjunctivitis" after I explained the symptoms and asked for the pharmacy number to call in a prescription. BLESS HIS SOUL! We've been having ridiculously cold weather here, and I just hated to have to take him all the way to the doctor's office for them to confirm which I guessed was wrong (as soon as I saw a slug-looking glob of boogery grossness coming out of his eye).

I know, it's not a huge deal. It's treatable, it's common and he's in school. It doesn't surprise me that he's got it.

It's just the timing. How much more can I handle?

We moved our office, and while we're settling in at the new space nicely, there is still alot to be done. I've been working harder, and even putting in some extra time.

Mike is still unemployed. He's had some interviews, he's filled out apps, he's been surfing Monster and Career Builder and the like on a daily basis. No bites so far. It'll be 3 weeks tomorrow since he lost his job. He's hearing from another manager that got fired that he and another manager were denied unemployment (I'm not sure the truth in all this, as in my experience at work, unemployment seems to side with the employee firstly, and the employer has a chance to appeal and fight the claim). It seems a bit early in the game for them to have downright denied them of any benefits.

So, I'm stressing. Trying to keep finding the positives in things, but it's nagging at me all the time. If something happens and the deny him unemployment (so far the paperwork we've received, it looks like he WILL .... but, now I'm paranoid), what on Earth will we do?!? I mean, unemployment is not the same money he was bringing home, but it's SOMETHING, and it's damn near better than NOTHING.

I get sick just thinking about it. I dread coming home or being in the house because it depresses me to think how much it could be hanging on the line. There's tension in the air, frustration, and fear. I'd almost rather be at work, and it just so happens with the move that I can be since there's so much to do.

I haven't had much time to list more things on ebay, but I've managed a few here and there, and have managed to make a bit under $300. It's good, but I've got to find the time and energy to do more and I just don't have it. I don't have the desire to either right now.

This whole week I've probably spent a total of maybe 2 hours on the computer (internet). And that's probably guessing high. I just haven't had the desire to surf the web, chat on my mailing lists or check into my community website. The only thing I have wanted to do is read. Maybe it's my way of escaping. I'm nearly finished with a book I just started, and I'm already eyeing the bookshelf to see what's next.

Other than my excitement to read, I could pretty much just cry.