Sunday, October 30, 2005


It's so great to have friends. Real life friends to hang out with or chat on the phone with.

Being a young mom -- most of my old friends from school moved on to "better" things. And by "better", I mean - to them it may have included drinking, partying, bars, clubs, blah blah blah blah blah. Definitely not being a full time working mother of 2 and wife.

So - to have friends that are at the same point of life I'm at .... it's a good thing. I have many, many wonderful online friends. Most of which I have known for many years. I'm talking a good 4-6 years I've know most of them. Many others I've known for 2 so far.

So, there was one in particular that I've known since she got pregnant with her daughter in 2001. I have "known" her and talked to her on a nearly daily basis for 4 years and I *finally* met her the beginning of this month. It's silly because she's lived in the area -- not like she was out of state and just happened to come here to visit or anything like that.

But now it's like we are *truly* friends - talking on the phone for hours at a time, discussing our children, ranting and raving and today - spending the afternoon out with the kids. It was wonderful. Having another mom to chat with. One that has a daughter just 6 months younger than my son. And one that lives nearby.

We're already planning on taking the kids to a children's museum one weekend and that should be fun. I'm excited to actually have a friend to spend time with.

Those friends I do have outside of the online world - that are on the same "level" as me - are too "busy" or too wrapped up in their own lives to get together often enough to truly feel like it's a solid relationship.

I think this will be good for me. I'm still off my Zoloft. I have a few pills left in the medicine cabinet from when I was trying to extend the pills over a period of time. I started skipping a day between pills - then I just stopped them all together. While some days I feel like I *NEED* those blasted little blue pills, it doesn't seem quite as strong as the need was before. Maybe I won't need that refill once the new insurance kicks in afterall.

Friday, October 28, 2005

An Angel in Heaven

I have been following a couple journals of children battling cancer. It tears me up inside to read - but I couldn't stop. These children tugged at my heart.

Last night, one of these children lost their battle and went on to be with God in Heaven.

In Memory of
Miss Maggie May
Left this Earth
on Thursday, October 27, 2005

You will be missed Miss Maggie.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Requesting Prayers

I'm part of a handful of online groups that are closely knit. We've developed great friendships over the years - and my online friends are some of my dearest friends even if many of us haven't met in person.

In the last couple weeks, an online friend posted about her 3 year old boy refusing to eat, bruising, etc. When she took him to the doctor, she was told he had Leukemia. They went to a specialist and Leukemia was ruled out - and they thought it was some sort of virus that was doing awful things. They ran test after test and were checking his levels, etc. He was still very ill, but they didn't believe it was cancer.

Today we got another update. It's not good news.

Here's what she had to write:

Here is all I know about Liam. His specialist called today with very bad news. He has monosomy 7, which is a mutation on his 7th chromosome in his bone marrow. It often turns into leukemia. It is an extremely rare condition and we don't have a lot of information right now. It is usually fatal, and my research gives about 2 years to live after diagnosis, though that wasn't stated by the doctor. We go in to meet with him Wednesday. He thinks he will need chemotherapy (this is a type of cancer) and a bone marrow transplant (pray Keegan is a compatible donor) When I asked if this was "survivable" he said "Not very" I wish I had more to tell you, and I pray that he is wrong, but this is from a genetic test that is pretty hard to mis-interpret. He is only 3 years old. If you pray, he could use some extra... If you want to cross your fingers extra hard, that is always appreciated too...

I ask any of you that read this and pray, please, please, PLEASE do so.

Sunday, October 16, 2005


I'm a Cubs fan - but let's face it - I'll support any Chicago team going to the World Series. Simply put - I'm loyal to Chicago.

Granted, don't get me wrong -- I'd be 1,000 times MORE excited if it were the Cubs going to the Series, but I'll take what I can get.

Hubby is a Sox fan. He's gloating. I'm going to attempt to get tickets (very doubtful) on Tuesday when they go on sale. I doubt, doubt, doubt I'll get them - but if I can manage to snag a couple, I'm all over it. He would LOVE to go to a game. And I love baseball games so it would be a treat for me to.

Now to just see who the Sox will be facing off against at the Series. Houston or St. Louis? Houston leads the series 3 games to 1. Game 5 is tomorrow.

Well, it's off to bed.

Chicago is one happy city right now.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Ups and Downs .... the Rollercoaster of Life

The past week has been an emotional rollercoaster. I've had ups and downs, I've laughed and I've cried. Alot.

I miss my Grams like crazy. And I'm starting to feel guilty for things that I shouldn't. Especially that I should have been there that Saturday to visit - when she appeared to be recovering so well and that she was starting to act more like herself. I didn't get to see her remotely normal ANY of the time we spent in the hospital. That first night in the ER - she was so out of it .... I don't know if she knew I was there or not. And then we saw her after surgery, so of course she was out of it from the anesthesia and painkillers. And then ... she got bad that Saturday night. And seeing her after that .... she was seizing and we didn't know what she was able to comprehend, see or hear. I hope she knows I was there, and that I prayed for her and cried for her and that now I miss her with all of my heart.

The memorial service was yesterday from 4-8. It was another "down" moment. I had been fine throughout the day, until we got in the car to go. Then I started to cry on the way there. And as soon as I walked in and saw the flowers and the big picture of her up front with the fall leaves around it.....I broke down. At one point I went off to another sitting area, and sat alone, and just cried. I just wanted to be alone -- wanted to think of my Grams and mourn the loss.

Let me tell you .... losing two grandparents at age 11 and then losing one grandparent when your 25 is a whole lot different. I wasn't aware of all the details when my paternal grandparents died in 1991. I knew they were sick, and then knew what it meant when they died -- but I didn't get to "witness" it. I didn't see them dying .... I didn't know that machines needed to be turned off or that things were so bad they were put into hospice so they could just go peacefully. This time I was there .... I saw my Grams suffering .... I knew what was happening .... I held her hand and told her it was okay to go.

All my grandparents are gone now. I'm thankful for the 25 years I had with my Grams, but I'm bitter, too because my brother and sister had over 35 years with her. And why did I only get 11 years with my Granny and Gramps?

And now that I have no grandparents - part of me can't help but think that - next in "line" would be my parents. I couldn't handle that. I don't know what I'll ever do when that day comes. I feel a lump in my throat and feel queasy just thinking of it.

I know right now I'm still brokenhearted and trying to deal with everything and digest it. It was enough that we brought my grandmother remains home yesterday. She was cremated, so her ashes are in a box. When we got home from the memorial - we sat at the kitchen table to talk and have a drink. I looked over - and there was the box - and immediately I thought -- MY GRAMS IS *ON* THE KITCHEN TABLE! And I wanted to scoop that box up and hide it in a closet.

While I was trying to wrap my mind around everything going on with my Grams - Mike's grandfather was in the hospital (went in the same day (Wednesday Sept 28) as my Grams). We went to see him while we were there visiting my Grams (that Sunday Oct 1) and as far as we knew, he was being released within the next day or two. Didn't hear anything until yesterday (Oct 10). He was back in the hospital again.

I don't want to sound selfish - but I don't know that I can mentally absorb another death in the family. Not now. I certainly don't want him to suffer or be in any pain - and if God feels He needs to bring him home, then so be it -- but nothing like kicking you while you're already down.

I know I'll get through it no matter what .... it's just a whole lot on my mind at once, while dealing with a loss.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

I'm back

Apparently it was just a blogger brainfart and all it needed was a swift kick to remind it that I still exist.

My last post went right there and I could access my blog problem free. Hooray!

At any rate ... here it is Saturday. We had a little get together for my neice, Kodi. Her birthday was the end of September, and we had planned on throwing her a little party here. When my Grams passed, we didn't want to change the plans or make Kodi feel any less special - so we kept everything as scheduled.

Kodi is spending the night tonight, and tomorrow we're going to the pumpkin farm. It's too bad that Mike will be working, but at least he was off today. It'll be me, my mom, dad, Kodi and my 2 monkies at the farm. We should have fun and I hope to get some nice pictures of the kids while we're there.

Hopefully it's not as cold tomorrow as it has been the last couple days. We've been having temperatures in the 40s and 50s. Overnight it's dropping into the 30s. Brrrrrr!!!! Hello winter! But - this *is* Chicago afterall. It's gonna be one hell of a winter, I just know it.

We're getting closer to the memorial service for my Grams. Today has been much better - and the tears only welled up once. I know Monday it'll be a different story. Right now it's still almost like it's not "real" and that she's just a phone call or visit away. I just know my mom has such a broken heart right now. It breaks my heart to see her upset. I know death is a part of life - but it sure isn't that easy to deal with.

Blogger Brainfart??

Oh blogger - what is going on?

I haven't been able to access my blog on the web at all. I thought it fell off the edge of cyberspace!

So - I signed directly into blogger to see if I could post - and viola! Here I am.

Now let's see if I can actually get it to load when I put the blog address in my browser.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


My Grams passed away today.

6 days ago (Wednesday) she underwent surgery on her brain to relieve a massive bleed from the result of a fall. The neurosurgeon tried to be optimistic, but told us that with her history of medical problems, she was no easy case, and that he was worried about many things.

She went through the surgery like a champ, and everyone was pleased with the way she seemed to be recovering. My mom and dad saw her Saturday afternoon and said she looked "good" considering, and that she recognized them and even joked with them (she couldn't talk because she had just come off the ventilator, but she patted my dad's fat belly as a joke). Then Saturday night she took a turn for the worst. She started having seizures and the bleeding was back.

It's been a waiting game ever since, and I've been praying that if God wanted to take her, to just do it and stop making her suffer. It was devastating to see her like that. I still can see what she looked like -- how awful and how pitiful she looked. I wanted to help her so bad.

She's gone now, and I want her back. I miss her already. I know she's no longer suffering and she's in a better place, but God, why does it hurt so much?