Everyday I'm trying to get myself out of this funk. I try to be happy. I try to smile, to be friendly, to enjoy life. And I can pretend that everything is okay, so that I'm not bombarded with a million questions from people I don't want to explain things to.
For the most part, I'm usually busy and my mind is kept off things. But it's nighttime, the few hours once the kids are in bed that I have time to reflect and really start thinking about my life.
I'm not happy.
I have a short fuse, and little things have been getting to me lately. I'm irritated at work alot and even moreso at home.
I don't want to spend time with my kids or my husband. I don't want to spend time with my family.
I do, however, desire the couple friends I do have. And I desire time alone - OUTSIDE of the house, where I can browse at a store without a child needing to use the washroom, or flip through a magazine without having to watch little hands from swiping things off the shelves, or just going for a drive and blasting my music so loud that it hurts my ears and would be way too much for little ones to handle. Or even just going out to a club to unwind, have a few cocktails and dance the night away. I could even handle a late night talk over coffee (except, I'd have to drink something else, since I don't like coffee!).
There's a life I feel I missed out on, and I am resentful.
It's no one's fault but my own. I chose to get married when I did, and start a family when I did. I chose not to continue my schooling.
And what kills me the most is how my heart is feeling. The feelings I had for my husband are slipping away. He's a wreck. Trying to make things right, make things better, to get my feelings back on track.
Yet, I'm feeling smothered by him and it's pushing me further away. He wants a kiss or for me to say "I love you too" and I hate feeling like I'm forced. Feeling like I have to say it, otherwise he'll get the wrong idea.
I do love him. He's the father of my children, and I want him to be happy. But a part of me feels as if we've just grown apart; that we've changed. That as we've aged and matured, things are different now. I just don't know that I'm in love like I once was.
It's killing me to write this, to put my feelings out in the open, but I am tired of hiding it. This is a nightmare that I am living everyday.
I don't know what to do.
Sunday Synopsis - East of Eden
9 hours ago
2 comments:
Sarah, What you've wrote is how I have been feeling lately too. I know how hard it is to try to go day in and day out...all I can say is talk to Mike. Tell him that you NEED time out, that you need him to understand and not ask why....I know that's probably not a real option, if someone said that to me I'd be like nope will never happen. But there's a difference between you and me. You have a few good girlfriends to go do something with where I have no one. I remember reading your blog awhile back when you went out with kat and had fun...you should go do that again! You sounded SO happy then!!! I wish I had better advice for you but I don't...I can say however just expressing how you feel and getting it out helps...and I know what you're going through....good luck...try to get some me time....HUGS!
If you find yourself continually feeling in this "funk", maybe it is time to go & pay a visit to the Dr. to rule out any sort of deppression or mood disorder.
Maybe it time for some time alone with hubby. To reconnect as a couple & remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place.
Sometimes we get so busy being "Mom" & "Dad" that we forget to be "us". Good luck Sarah. Hope you are feeling better soon.
((((hugs))))
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