Summer is nearly here!

Summer is approaching, and as we were hoping, the warmer weather is here. Except it's hot and muggy. I'm not sure what the high was, but at about 3:00 this afternoon, I caught the temperature on a hotel's marquee sign which read 88-degrees. Yikes. It's not even June yet.

As I sit here, upstairs at my PC, I can feel the oil slick on my face and the slight dampness in my cleavage. It's going to be a fabulous summer if this keeps up (Note: heavy sarcasm). Wouldn't be an issue if the blasted rec center for our community opened this weekend as originally slated. Construction just started a few weeks ago, and we are hoping that next summer we'll be taking our first dips in the pool.

There's nothing else to do than to try to cool off with a cool treat - so I believe a bowl of Moose Tracks ice cream may be in order. That is, just as soon as my dinner gets here (the hubs is out picking up food at a local fav - Chick-N-Dip) and I finish eating. Then I think it shall be ice cream and a movie (we rented Last Holiday and Fun with Dick and Jane) to finish out the day!

And the winner is .....

Congratulations, Taylor Hicks!

What an amazing show! Season 5 blew away the other seasons in terms of the finale. This show kept me entertained the full 2 hours. Great, great, great -- and then -- what a surprise -- Prince! Never expected him to appear on the show.

And I'm happy that Taylor won. He's grown on me over the weeks, and in the past few weeks I've favored him and voted for him. Sadly, I can't say I voted last night. I meant to, and then ended up getting caught up in some other things and before I realized I forgot to vote, it was after 11pm and I was already in bed.

So ... now I'm just waiting to watch the Lost finale. It's recording now so that I can watch it with the old ball & chain when he gets home from work tonight.

Houston, we have a period!

That's right .... I'm NOT pregnant!

This afternoon around lunchtime, shortly after my last post, I went to the bathroom, wiped and there it was .... that lovely pink tinge. My heart did a little dance, and I heard angels singing.

No, seriously.

So I expected it to be increasing throughout the day, and knew I'd need to make a trip to the bathroom soon to use a feminine product. Except, my next visit to the potty put the tension back into my shoulders and I swear I felt another gray hair pop up! There was NO. PINK. TINGE.

WHAT?!? How could this be? Is this some sort of mean joke? I don't find it funny at all.

At this point all I can think is IMPLANTATION BLEEDING and I'm ready to run right out of the office and straight into traffic.

No, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I use the washroom a couple more times during the course of the work day, and still nothing more. I head home, take care of a few things and get ready to jump in the shower quickly before dinner and decide to empty my bladder - and there, on the toilet paper, was P.I.N.K.

So you see, a few more hours have passed now, and it is still light, but bright red. I'm expecting that by tomorrow morning it will be here, full fledged.

And with this scare, I think it's time to have a serious talk about permanent birth control .... perhaps the big 'V'.

My Womb : Closed for Business

Last night after I wrote and shut down my PC for the night, I thought to myself ... maybe that was too brass. I'll sign in tomorrow and delete that entire post.

But a few faithful readers have commented, enjoying my writing style and perhaps having a giggle while reading (so glad I could bring some humor to your life, because I am totally not laughing). Really, though, it was intended to be a light-hearted way for me to express what I'm currently going through.

For the record, I am crossing my fingers, toes and sending up prayers to the Man upstairs that I am not pregnant. Not only would it cause issues within my househould and my childcare situation (mom and dad are not willing to watch another one), but I do not feel I could handle another child emotionally or physically. The two I have are plenty, and can be very much a handful nearly all the time. And my body did not fair well with pregnancy towards the end, and as my blood pressure went up, I was on bedrest until I could be induced (and with my second child, the BP issues happened sooner in the pregnancy than the first time around). I had to take my leave from work earlier, which left me without pay and made things a bit tight financially.

So, no, I am not coming to terms with the idea of having a third child, because I do not want one. Perhaps that is harsh, but it's honest.

Today marks cycle day 28, so AF should be arriving in the next couple days. Last month my cycle was only 27 days long (and it surprised the heck out of me); normal for me is 29-30 days, 31 on occassion.

Every cramp, tingle, cough, ache is questioned and I anxiously look for the pink tinge on the toilet paper every time I wipe.

Thoughts, prayers, and fingers crossed are appreciated!

Proud Mom X 3?

I wrote awhile back how I had mistyped my blog address several times, with a 3 instead of a 2. I would freak out each time, thinking .... "OMG! Does my subconcious know something that I don't?" You see, I'm quite content with the 2 I have. And sometimes they are MORE than enough. I had recently, in the last few months, come to the conclusion that I was definitely done having children.

So, rewind about a week and a half ago. Hubby and I decide to have some spur-of-the-moment-I'm-hot-and-bothered-and-just-need-to-get-down-and-dirty-right-this-moment sex in the kitchen (if that's TMI, too bad, this is my blog!) and instead of going into too much vivid detail, I'll just say that while he didn't send his entire troop to the front line directly, he could have possibly discharged a few soldiers when his unit entered my command again and again after his troop was deployed on my backside.

The rest of the night I expressed my disgust - frantic that I was going to end up pregnant. He just sort of brushed it off; that he's "not that good" and doubted that he impregnated me. I was pretty sure I had just ovulated - so I knew my womb was open for business.

Three days later and I was certain that he got me pregnant. I'm talking sore/tender breasts, crampiness; the works. Then I got to doing some calculating, and realized I was on day 19 of my cycle and that the pains I was feeling was quite possibly ovulation. Day 19 was my lucky egg day during the cycle in which we conceived our little princess. But, I was still not happy. Any soldiers that might have made it to the front line, could have still possibly been alive.

The symptoms continued a couple more days, adding in that bloated/hard belly feeling and increased appetite (but for me, that also happens in the week leading up to AF), and now I wonder if any symptom I do have is just in my head. And now that we're getting close to the time AF would be arriving, it's hard to determine now anyway as the symptoms can be the same.

I know in my head that the chances of any soldiers even making it in are slim, and then for one out of the few to actually capture the egg?? Seems nearly impossible. And you might be sitting there rolling your eyes saying "You've got to be kidding me! There's no way she got pregnant!" .... and I hope to God you are right.

If AF is late and I pee on a stick and it comes back with 2 lines, I'm going to shove that test up your ass and mumble, "I TOLD YOU SO".

United 93

Since Mike is scheduled to work all day tomorrow, we took our only chance (he was supposed to be off at 4 today, and instead didn't leave til nearly 5) to go out. My parents offered to look after the kids, so we headed to the movie theater.

We saw United 93. It was pretty similar to the television version that aired a few months back. Still pretty riveting and emotional.

Towards the end, I cried a bit; my heart bursting with pride for those passengers that knew their lives were on the line and unselfishly did what they needed to do to keep that plane from hitting it's destination. I squeezed Mike's hand while we watched. And I thought to myself .... nearly 5 years later, and it's still so fresh in my mind.

Which makes me think of those directly affected; those that were inside the World Trade Center, but managed to evacuate in time, those in the Pentagon that weren't in the section that was hit, the firefighters, the police officers, the family, friends and coworkers of those who perished. How are they doing? Do pictures and movies and memories still bring tears so easily?

I am lucky that I did not directly know anyone that lost their life that day. I was thousands of miles from where the destruction took place. I had family (aunt (dad's sister) & uncle) working in New York City, and since phone lines were down/tied up, I resorted to the only email address I had on hand - my uncle's. I waited to hear back; wondering if a member of my family had been at the WTC for business, or perhaps just to shop.

I remember when I got an email back - they were all safe. I called my mom immediately, and managed to get out "they're okay" before sobbing. I cried many, many times the day of 9/11. And many times in the days following. And many, many more times in the years since. Even the 4th of July tends to bring things back to my mind, and the tears spring up. Songs like "God Bless the USA" have an even stronger meaning now.

So tonight, as we filed out of the theater, I noted that everyone was quiet and their faces somber. Perhaps I'm not the only one that still cries.

Feeding my Passion

I've always enjoyed taking photographs. I can remember back to when my neice was a baby, that I'd prop her up against a solid white blanket or something to use as a "backdrop" and I'd take pictures of her.

I never pursued anything, as I had a much stronger desire later on to create web pages. The closest I came to pursuing that was to take a class in college on website design - which I bailed on. It didn't hold my attention, so I stopped going. I didn't quit doing what I liked - I still made my own websites; personal ones with shareware graphic sets and basic html coding to do what I wanted. It was enough knowlegde to keep me happy.

Since getting the Nikon D50 camera, the desire to be able to take breathtaking photographs has been stronger.

Just last weekend, I took what I feel was the best photograph I've shot yet. As soon as I snapped it, and looked at the screen - I mentioned that I just got a *great* photo that would look even better in B&W. So when I got home, I put it in B&W and did the color accent, and when I was through -- I couldn't believe the results.

Everyone that has seen it, has loved it and the positive feedback has been great. I'm extremely proud of the photo, however, I'd love to feel that way about more.

I have compiled some of what I feel are my best photos on another blog. If you are interested in taking a peek, the link is in my blogroll to the side, or you can just click here.

I'm starting to do a bit of research, and have found that the local community college offers a digital photography class. I may just enroll this fall. Perhaps I'll even look into pursuing more classes on photography as well.

Accessorizing

Not only did I find myself an adorable new purse, but I got the matching wallet, too! And ... for the both it cost me under $30!

My Expensive Ride to Work

What a day.

Overnight thunderstorms made for a soggy morning, and the rain has continued all day long.

So, the roads were wet and as I made my merry way to work I ended up rear ending the car in front of me (traffic was backing up, the guy slammed on his brakes, I slammed on mine, realized I had no traction, felt the car sliding, I turned the wheel to try to avoid the guy in front of me and go into the grass, but nailed him dead on anyway). Mike just happened to be in his car behind me, also on his way to work, so he pulled over as well.

At first I didn't think the guy was going to stop - I hit him, and as traffic moved, he continued. But he pulled over, got out, took a look at his car, we look at mine, he says "Everything's okay?", we agree and he gets in his car and leaves.

Okay, that was easy.

Not 10 minutes later, I hear something. I thought that was it was the semi truck next to me, as I no longer hear the noise once the truck was gone. I'm on the cell phone with Mike, and it starts again. I tell him the car is making noise, and to meet me over at the dealership (we were right nearby). It's not making the noise when we get there, but Mike opens the hood, and we listen. I give it a little gas, and the noise starts again. Mike goes in to speak to the service advisors, and the noise stops.

Mike comes out, tells me to pull it inside and once inside the noise starts again and the service techs all start poking around inside and realize the noise is coming from the fan. They take the car in, and we wait to find out the damage.

The fan needed to be replaced, and the compressor is bent. The fan was a must fix - the compressor was something optional that would not harm the safety of the car, but it's likely going to give out and we'll be without A/C.

So, they show us how much. Just under $500 for the fan alone. Good grief. To get the compressor all back to new -- nearly $1000. Thanks, but no thanks. It's a 5 year old car with almost 100,000 miles on it. If it goes out, I'll live without A/C for as long as possible or until we're ready for a new car.

My minor fender bender - which there was no visible damage to the exterior of our car - cost $457 to fix with another $1000 in optional repairs. Ouch!

I'm ready for a drink!!!!

Girly Girl

I have never really been a "girly-girl". Don't get me wrong ... I wasn't butch or a tomboy or anything like that. Just not "prissy", I guess.

I rarely wore make-up, didn't care much about purses, and wasn't much into accessorizing or visits to the salon. Make-up was worn for special occassions - prom, a date, my wedding, nights out. I carried the same purse all the time, until it ripped, tore, zipper broke or was just too beat up to last any longer.

I can't remember when things started to change, but I started getting a little more interested in purses and jewelry. In the last few months, I've changed quite a bit in this respect.

I wear make-up nearly daily. Granted, it's subtle and I only wear eyeshadow, eye liner and lipstick. On occassion I'll add foundation to the mix. I put on perfume daily. I have been wearing my hair down more opposed to my usual ponytail. I am in the process of growing out my bangs and I hope at that point I'll have enough guts to go in and do something to my hair - like highlights or something along those lines.

I am now the proud owner of the oh-so-girly-girl magenta Razr phone. I'm in the process of searching for a new purse as my current black one will not do for summer.

It feels good to feel good about myself. My self esteem has grown tremendously, and while I still have many moments that I see myself as something/someone I don't want to be.

Perhaps being a girly-girl isn't such a bad thing after all.

Day Trip

Today we went for a drive into Galena, Illinois and Dubuque, Iowa.



We parked and walked along a section of the Mississippi River.



Perfect day for pictures, as I managed to capture quite a few good shots of the kids.





We saw a couple cardinals, fuzzy bumble bees, some sort of hawk, a duck and this beautiful butterfly that let me get incredibly close.





It was a nice day and the kids are passed out now from all the fresh air.

feelings

Everyday I'm trying to get myself out of this funk. I try to be happy. I try to smile, to be friendly, to enjoy life. And I can pretend that everything is okay, so that I'm not bombarded with a million questions from people I don't want to explain things to.

For the most part, I'm usually busy and my mind is kept off things. But it's nighttime, the few hours once the kids are in bed that I have time to reflect and really start thinking about my life.

I'm not happy.

I have a short fuse, and little things have been getting to me lately. I'm irritated at work alot and even moreso at home.

I don't want to spend time with my kids or my husband. I don't want to spend time with my family.

I do, however, desire the couple friends I do have. And I desire time alone - OUTSIDE of the house, where I can browse at a store without a child needing to use the washroom, or flip through a magazine without having to watch little hands from swiping things off the shelves, or just going for a drive and blasting my music so loud that it hurts my ears and would be way too much for little ones to handle. Or even just going out to a club to unwind, have a few cocktails and dance the night away. I could even handle a late night talk over coffee (except, I'd have to drink something else, since I don't like coffee!).

There's a life I feel I missed out on, and I am resentful.

It's no one's fault but my own. I chose to get married when I did, and start a family when I did. I chose not to continue my schooling.

And what kills me the most is how my heart is feeling. The feelings I had for my husband are slipping away. He's a wreck. Trying to make things right, make things better, to get my feelings back on track.

Yet, I'm feeling smothered by him and it's pushing me further away. He wants a kiss or for me to say "I love you too" and I hate feeling like I'm forced. Feeling like I have to say it, otherwise he'll get the wrong idea.

I do love him. He's the father of my children, and I want him to be happy. But a part of me feels as if we've just grown apart; that we've changed. That as we've aged and matured, things are different now. I just don't know that I'm in love like I once was.

It's killing me to write this, to put my feelings out in the open, but I am tired of hiding it. This is a nightmare that I am living everyday.

I don't know what to do.

New Toy

I'm anxiously awaiting the brown truck to come rolling down our street. That truck will come bearing a box, and inside it will be this:



My Mother's Day gift! I can't wait til it gets here, I'm excited! LOL

Who am I? Where am I? What am I doing?

I posted nearly a month ago that I was feeling "lost". Sadly, I'm still feeling that way.

Everyday I don't know if I'm going to have a good day or a bad day, or perhaps a bit of both. I'm struggling with my feelings, and it's hard for me to even post this here. I just feel that if I don't write about it, then I'm not being honest.

There are moments where I am not happy with my life at all.

And - I know, I should just shut my mouth because I have so much to be thankful for. And that there are so many other people out there less fortunate than I am.

I realize that I am blessed with what I have in my life. A beautiful home, two adorable children (that nearly drive me to drink, but God I love them), a husband that loves me, a job to pay the bills, family, friends....

But at the same time I feel as if there is more to life than what I have, things I haven't experienced, hobbies to partake in, people to meet, places to see. A big thing I'm struggling with as well is the fact that I didn't continue with school and that I'm currently not holding a bachelor's degree, a masters or any type of degree. Oh, I did do some college - receiving two certifications in Computer Information Systems. I was proud of what I did accomplish and was content with my job, and happy to move into the next "level" of being a grown-up; getting married and starting a family.

Marriage and children were more important to me than a college degree or a fancy career. And for years I had been happy with that.

Now ...... I'm not so sure.

I guess I'm dwelling on a lot of "what if's" and I can't live my life wondering how things would have turned out if I made different decisions. I chose the path, but I feel as if I'm at a fork in the road, and I need to decide which way I'm going.