The Lunch That Almost Wasn't

For the last 2.5 hours I have been hungry and debating on if I wanted to order something to be delivered, or just eat the Lean Cuisine I've got in the freezer here at the office.

I decide, since I've got to run to the bank anyway, I might as well pick up my lunch. Easy, right? Wrong.

First I head to the bank, and there's a lady in a minivan ahead of me. I'm crossing my fingers that she is not going in the commercial banking lane, and watch as she goes into a regular lane.

I watch in amazement as she pulls into the only available lane that is also CLOSED. So I'm talking to myself saying "Yo idiot, that one is closed."

I pull in, drop my deposit in the drawer and look over at the lane immediately next to me. It's the most ancient, wrinkled raisin (thanks for the word, Melissa) I Have. Ever. Seen. And he's squeezing his frail body out his door to reach back to the bank tube terminal thingy. He pulled forward too much and instead of just BACKING UP, he performed a contortionist act so he could do his banking.

When I notice him, I notice that dumbass minivan driver has realized - WAIT! There is no tube in my terminal! What do I do? So, she backs up so that she can use one of the OPEN lanes. Hmm, those OPEN/CLOSED lights above the lane are there for a reason, huh?

So, I'm thinking "God, please get me away from this stupidity quickly because it might be contagious!" not to mention that my stomach is growling and I know that in just a few moments, my mouth will happily be gulping down a large order of fries from McDonald's.

Hahahahahahaha. Life is just so damn funny sometimes!!!

I get to McDonald's and am the 3rd car back to order. I proceed forward and order a #1.

I hear "mummmble, mummmmble, out of fries"

WHAT?!?

I increduously ask "You. Are. OUT. Of. FRIES?" (Because, you know, McDonald's being out of french fries is like Dairy Queen being out of ice cream, or Lambeau Field being short on Cheese-Heads)

"Yes, ma'am"

Ummmmmmmmmm.........................................

"Well, I guess I'll just have a Big Mac then."

(longest pause ever where I'm thinking, HELLO? IS THIS THING ON? Did you just go on break? HELLO? I said I'd take a flippin' Big Mac!!!!)

Finally she repeats my order (because you know, it was difficult; just a Big Mac and all; it's only their signature burger).

When I finally get my Big Mac, I think to myself .... WTF am I going to eat with it??

So, just down the road is Burger King, and I like their onion rings.

Roll through to grab an order of onion rings, zesty sauce and a Diet Coke (yes, I am one of THOSE people that snarfs down fast food with a Diet drink. Shut up.).

I drive away, pop my straw in my drink and bring the cup up to drink and the BLASTED LID WASN'T ON RIGHT, so there goes Diet Coke down the front of my coat, and all over my lap. Niiiiiiiiccccce.

So I'm dabbing napkins on my soaked jeans, conveniently in a spot that looks like I just peed myself when an another stupid person pulls out of Wendy's on the opposite side of the road and proceeds to do 10 miles an hour because he's counting his chicken nuggets or making sure it's really North Pacific Cod like they say.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!!! Was a quick trip to the bank and a #1 from McDonald's all that much to ask for?