Sunday, February 11, 2007

Remembering

A bit less than a year ago I was going through a pretty low point in my life, questioning who I was and where I was going.

I've managed to keep my head above water, sticking it out with my husband, feeling relatively normal. I was pretty close to throwing in the towel, and when I had attempted to do that, I was "disowned" by my family.

I'm not even sure I've spoken about it at length here. It hurts even today to think about my mother spitting the words "I disown you as a daughter" to me. It was extremely selfish of her, and I'm not being dishonest when I say that I will never forget those words, and that they have effected our relationship in a way.

I appreciate my mother greatly, and I will be saddened the day I no longer have her in my life. But believe me, when she so selfishly blamed me for my feelings, I'm surprised I didn't turn away and leave everything behind.

You see, the biggest reason she was going to disown me when I spoke the word divorce; it was all because of the house. I was being selfish because her and my father would need to find somewhere else to live. My happiness plays no part, I guess. Instead, we can live in a house filled with tension, anger and pretend to be happy.

Yes, last year I spoke the words to my husband of 5.5 years at the time, that I wanted to split up. And I was sworn at, belittled and disowned because I even thought of it. I had no choice. Knowing I couldn't do it without support, I stuck it out. And the biggest support I was getting - was from my husband.

I can't say that it's been bad doing so, but things are still not the same. I feel even a bit guilty that I've been lying to myself about how I'm feeling. This whole job loss has intensified everything for me. Now adding a worry of even being able to financially keep the house. Heaven forbid my folks need to find a new place to live because we couldn't pay our share of the mortgage. I'll likely be disowned then, too.

I realize that even if they were willing, we couldn't sell this house. The market is crap right now anyway, and the houses here are not selling, nor will they be as construction continues. Who's going to buy a lived-in house when they can have one of their own built? So, S T U C K is the word to sum up how I'm feeling.

I am not entirely sure I even know what I want. Well, if I did, it probably wouldn't be feasible at any rate, so why bother?

The only slight bit of good news is that Mike does have an interview tomorrow evening. This will be the third interview with this particular company, and we're hopeful that it will also entail a job offer. And I'm sure, as always, shitty hours. But, you do what you gotta do when there are bills to be paid. And you do what you gotta do to please everyone else, just stuffing your own feelings, pushing your own heart, to the back of the closet.

1 comment:

Deidra said...

HUGS Sarah! Times like these are so hard and stressful to get through. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all of this. I hope Mike gets the job. I'm praying for you guys.