Ups and Downs .... the Rollercoaster of Life

The past week has been an emotional rollercoaster. I've had ups and downs, I've laughed and I've cried. Alot.

I miss my Grams like crazy. And I'm starting to feel guilty for things that I shouldn't. Especially that I should have been there that Saturday to visit - when she appeared to be recovering so well and that she was starting to act more like herself. I didn't get to see her remotely normal ANY of the time we spent in the hospital. That first night in the ER - she was so out of it .... I don't know if she knew I was there or not. And then we saw her after surgery, so of course she was out of it from the anesthesia and painkillers. And then ... she got bad that Saturday night. And seeing her after that .... she was seizing and we didn't know what she was able to comprehend, see or hear. I hope she knows I was there, and that I prayed for her and cried for her and that now I miss her with all of my heart.

The memorial service was yesterday from 4-8. It was another "down" moment. I had been fine throughout the day, until we got in the car to go. Then I started to cry on the way there. And as soon as I walked in and saw the flowers and the big picture of her up front with the fall leaves around it.....I broke down. At one point I went off to another sitting area, and sat alone, and just cried. I just wanted to be alone -- wanted to think of my Grams and mourn the loss.

Let me tell you .... losing two grandparents at age 11 and then losing one grandparent when your 25 is a whole lot different. I wasn't aware of all the details when my paternal grandparents died in 1991. I knew they were sick, and then knew what it meant when they died -- but I didn't get to "witness" it. I didn't see them dying .... I didn't know that machines needed to be turned off or that things were so bad they were put into hospice so they could just go peacefully. This time I was there .... I saw my Grams suffering .... I knew what was happening .... I held her hand and told her it was okay to go.

All my grandparents are gone now. I'm thankful for the 25 years I had with my Grams, but I'm bitter, too because my brother and sister had over 35 years with her. And why did I only get 11 years with my Granny and Gramps?

And now that I have no grandparents - part of me can't help but think that - next in "line" would be my parents. I couldn't handle that. I don't know what I'll ever do when that day comes. I feel a lump in my throat and feel queasy just thinking of it.

I know right now I'm still brokenhearted and trying to deal with everything and digest it. It was enough that we brought my grandmother remains home yesterday. She was cremated, so her ashes are in a box. When we got home from the memorial - we sat at the kitchen table to talk and have a drink. I looked over - and there was the box - and immediately I thought -- MY GRAMS IS *ON* THE KITCHEN TABLE! And I wanted to scoop that box up and hide it in a closet.

While I was trying to wrap my mind around everything going on with my Grams - Mike's grandfather was in the hospital (went in the same day (Wednesday Sept 28) as my Grams). We went to see him while we were there visiting my Grams (that Sunday Oct 1) and as far as we knew, he was being released within the next day or two. Didn't hear anything until yesterday (Oct 10). He was back in the hospital again.

I don't want to sound selfish - but I don't know that I can mentally absorb another death in the family. Not now. I certainly don't want him to suffer or be in any pain - and if God feels He needs to bring him home, then so be it -- but nothing like kicking you while you're already down.

I know I'll get through it no matter what .... it's just a whole lot on my mind at once, while dealing with a loss.