When it rains, it pours

I don't even know where to begin.

Frankly, life can be pretty shitty sometimes.

Saying goodbye to Mike's grandmother was harder than I thought it would be. I think mostly because it was a grim reality for me; that this is going to be something that will happen frequently in the future. How can I expect to get older, and have everyone else around me NOT age? They are all getting older with me, and some of them are reaching the end of their path of life. And I don't do well with funerals and services anyway. Once the pastor started talking, I couldn't hold back the tears. And then filing past the casket......it was almost too much. I didn't full out lose it, but Mike's entire family saw me crying.

And, Mike's mom was there (of course). I haven't seen her since our wedding 4 years ago. I didn't recognize her at first. I've only seen her twice anyway, but it didn't even LOOK like her. Maybe the fact that she now has a wig because of the therapy she's getting for her cancer. It's sad. She's going to die. There's nothing they can do to remove her masses. One is at the base of her spine, the other around her coratid artery.

Now shall I go on? You'd think .... well, that is enough for one family to try to digest at once! But, on no!!!

Of course, the twins arrived 11 weeks early. We have been trying to get updates on them as often as possible, but, it's hard. Between everyone's work schedules, and Danny and Jamie going to visit the babies, the communication lines aren't open that much. But the last we found out, a cardiologist had been in to see "B" because her blood pressure was up higher than what a baby's should be, and a kidney specialist was supposed to come in as well because her white blood cells were high. Being a mother, and being that these two tiny girls are also my neices - my family - I worry for them. I know in today's society, we are very medically advanced and that these babies have an AWESOME survival rate. But, still, I cannot help but worry about what the future holds for them.

And then there's the biggest thing hitting home right now. My dad. His heartrate was up while he was in the hospital for the meckles -- so they monitored it, and started him on medication. After he was released from the hospital, he was still seeing a doctor for his heart, and having stress tests done, etc. On Friday he went in for a stress test, and they also looked at some pictures they had taken of his heart. The doctor did NOT like what he saw. He started talking about my dad being referred to a cardiologist and couldn't believe that my dad was not having any sort of pains. They believe there is some blockage. So - my dad saw the cardiologist yesterday. He'll be going in Thursday for an angiogram. And if they find there is blockage, they'll go in right away and put in a stent. I know it's only a "minor" operation if they do need to do that, but I'm still worried out of my mind. And I'm trying NOT to show it because I don't want to get my mom all upset (even moreso than she probably already is). I decided that I NEEDED to take Thursday off. I can't just go in to work like nothing is going on - and then what if something DID happen? I'd feel horrible the rest of my life.

I just want to cry. I want to cry for the life we lost, the life that is slowly slipping away, the 2 lives that rest in the hands of the NICU doctors and nurses, and the life of MY DAD.

I had been starting to feel MUCH better than I had been in a long time. It seemed like finally my body was leveling itself out, and that the Zoloft was really helping - and then - wham! Now I'm trying to keep it together.

I just feel so heavy. My heart aches. My stomach hurts. I want to sleep.