Massage anyone?

I desperately could use a massage. A nice back/neck rub. Or even have my feet rubbed. I just feel so tense. I know it's because of all that is going on.

My dad has to be at the hospital at 8 tomorrow morning. Which means I have to be up bright and early, so I can get to their house by 7:30. So ..... I'll be up before 7. I hate early mornings. I don't get up til 7:10 when I work. I probably won't sleep well anyway, though. I am going to be worried. I know my dad is nervous - and that makes me even more nervous.

I'm trying to just relax and take it all in stride. But worrying is one thing I do best.

On a happy note; I got an update on the twins. Danny and Jamie got to hold the girls for the first time yesterday. I also got some new pictures of them. So I updated the girl's website. It's good to know they are doing well. Eases my mind a little bit.

So - I'm off to try to get some rest now. If anyone can spare a few extra thoughts or prayers, I'd appreciate it.

When it rains, it pours

I don't even know where to begin.

Frankly, life can be pretty shitty sometimes.

Saying goodbye to Mike's grandmother was harder than I thought it would be. I think mostly because it was a grim reality for me; that this is going to be something that will happen frequently in the future. How can I expect to get older, and have everyone else around me NOT age? They are all getting older with me, and some of them are reaching the end of their path of life. And I don't do well with funerals and services anyway. Once the pastor started talking, I couldn't hold back the tears. And then filing past the casket......it was almost too much. I didn't full out lose it, but Mike's entire family saw me crying.

And, Mike's mom was there (of course). I haven't seen her since our wedding 4 years ago. I didn't recognize her at first. I've only seen her twice anyway, but it didn't even LOOK like her. Maybe the fact that she now has a wig because of the therapy she's getting for her cancer. It's sad. She's going to die. There's nothing they can do to remove her masses. One is at the base of her spine, the other around her coratid artery.

Now shall I go on? You'd think .... well, that is enough for one family to try to digest at once! But, on no!!!

Of course, the twins arrived 11 weeks early. We have been trying to get updates on them as often as possible, but, it's hard. Between everyone's work schedules, and Danny and Jamie going to visit the babies, the communication lines aren't open that much. But the last we found out, a cardiologist had been in to see "B" because her blood pressure was up higher than what a baby's should be, and a kidney specialist was supposed to come in as well because her white blood cells were high. Being a mother, and being that these two tiny girls are also my neices - my family - I worry for them. I know in today's society, we are very medically advanced and that these babies have an AWESOME survival rate. But, still, I cannot help but worry about what the future holds for them.

And then there's the biggest thing hitting home right now. My dad. His heartrate was up while he was in the hospital for the meckles -- so they monitored it, and started him on medication. After he was released from the hospital, he was still seeing a doctor for his heart, and having stress tests done, etc. On Friday he went in for a stress test, and they also looked at some pictures they had taken of his heart. The doctor did NOT like what he saw. He started talking about my dad being referred to a cardiologist and couldn't believe that my dad was not having any sort of pains. They believe there is some blockage. So - my dad saw the cardiologist yesterday. He'll be going in Thursday for an angiogram. And if they find there is blockage, they'll go in right away and put in a stent. I know it's only a "minor" operation if they do need to do that, but I'm still worried out of my mind. And I'm trying NOT to show it because I don't want to get my mom all upset (even moreso than she probably already is). I decided that I NEEDED to take Thursday off. I can't just go in to work like nothing is going on - and then what if something DID happen? I'd feel horrible the rest of my life.

I just want to cry. I want to cry for the life we lost, the life that is slowly slipping away, the 2 lives that rest in the hands of the NICU doctors and nurses, and the life of MY DAD.

I had been starting to feel MUCH better than I had been in a long time. It seemed like finally my body was leveling itself out, and that the Zoloft was really helping - and then - wham! Now I'm trying to keep it together.

I just feel so heavy. My heart aches. My stomach hurts. I want to sleep.

Tiny Beautiful Girls

The twins are tiny. So small I just stared at them in awe. I couldn't believe my eyes. I've seen plenty of preemie on Discovery Health, so I'm quite aware just how small babies can be. But seeing one in person - it's something you almost cannot comprehend. There are these two tiny lives .... such small little bodies, and you can only imagine just how small their organs are. They are beautiful though. Beautiful little girls. Welcome to the world, "A" & "B".

New life and passing on

This morning around 11am, I received an instant message from my father-in-law. I am an aunt! The twins arrived at 10:39 this morning via csection. We're still waiting to hear all the rest of the details. They are quite early, I think about 8 weeks.

So, I called Mike to tell him the news. And he had news for me. His grandmother passed away at midnight last night. It wasn't a surprise. We all knew she was sick (cancer) and that this time was coming.

So, as 2 new lives were coming into this world, another one left.

Christening, Birthdays and other things

I have been busying myself thinking about all the events that will be taking place in the next few months.

I already called the church and set up The Girl's christening. She'll be christened October 24th. And today I just ordered her christening dress. It's just stunning. I can't wait to see her in it. I also bought everything for The Boy's 3rd birthday party. He's going to have a Hulk party. I found all the supplies at the $1 store - so how could I pass it up? They had Spiderman as well, so I called him (he was at home with daddy) and asked him which kind of party he'd like to have. He's very excited about the whole thing. I've already had all the supplies for The Girl's christening party. There was a party store near our house going out of business, so I got great deals on all that, too. I love bargains. LOL

Precious memories

I was worried about not getting in to get The Girl's 2-month photos done in time. The clock was ticking and 3-months is approaching rather quickly.

But - she was wonderful when I attempted (on my own, I might add) to take her to get them done on Saturday.

I packed up the diaper bag, called ahead and made an appointment for the soonest they could fit us in - and rushed around the house getting myself and 2 kids ready before hauling ass out the door and over to the mall.

Despite having an 11:50 appointment, they still ran a little bit behind, but it wasn't too bad. We were out of there by 12:30. And at 1:30, they presented me with 5 different pictures to choose from (the hardest part!). They had taken 1 pose with me and The Girl (The Boy sat in the stroller saying "Me piture taking" (meaning he wanted his picture taken), but when we gave him the opportunity to have his picture taken, he decided against it (stubborn almost 3-year old) - so it was easy for me to nix the one with me in the shot. But the others - there was my beautiful baby girl - who even smiled for some of the pictures - staring back at me from the photo paper.

I left with 3 different poses and a smile on my face.

Going by the book, or not

It's kind of funny. When my son was born nearly 3 years ago, I wanted to do everything by the book. I felt like if I didn't do it *exactly* like the books or doctor suggested, then it wasn't right. I sterilized his bottles, I forced him to sleep on his back or side, and I washed his clothes in baby detergent religiously.

And now today I have my second child. And boy how some things change. While I did sterilize her bottles, and I have been washing her clothes in baby detergent - I am much more laid back about doing things.

It was a long couple of months before we started letting my son sleep on his tummy. Belly sleeping is heavily frowned upon, and you are the world's worst mother if you let your child sleep on his/her belly. I worried SO MUCH about it - but he slept so much better that way. Granted, if he hadn't had such a strong neck and the ability to lift and turn his head, I probably wouldn't have put him to sleep that way.

So, it wasn't surprising that at just 2 weeks old our daughter slept better that way, and we started putting her to sleep like that more often.

And, I've already decided that once the baby detergent is gone, I probably won't be buying anymore. I think I'll just start washing her clothes along with the rest of the family's.

I just never would have thought that someone could change their parenting even when going from having just 1 child to 2. I imagine even more changes as you have more and more kids. Maybe it's just the fact that there isn't time to sort out a million different loads of laundry, remembering to use the Superdooper Stain Knocker-Outer Detergent for the kids baseball uniforms, the Sudsy Wash with Bleach Alternative Detergent for the white clothes, and the Oh So Soft and Delicate Baby Detergent for all the littlest clothes. And I imagine when you have a bunch of kids to get to bed - the main goal is making sure they are all comfortable and asleep in whatever position that works best for each individual.

It all really just comes down to the fact that books can be used as a guideline and nothing more than that. Everyone needs to find their own parenting style, and see how each child responds to things. Some babies DO need special laundry detergent because their skin is more delicate and they may have reactions (then again, most laundry detergents also come in Free & Clear, and are much cheaper than the baby versions). And some babies probably aren't strong enough to be able to sleep on their tummy without possibly suffocating in the mattress.

So, it's all about trial and error. But it still amazes me that I am a slightly different mother now than when my son was born.

Gloomy

I'm pretty bummed out at the moment. Just upset at the fact that we can't do things together like normal families do. I feel like such a single mom.

I think part of the reason I'm pretty down in the dumps is because I didn't attempt to get over to the mall to have The Girl's pictures taken. She didn't nap very well, and when it was time for her feeding, she fought me and only took 2 ounces. And that took over an hour to get in her. I wasn't about to make the trip only to have her screaming her head off while we were there. There's no telling how B would have been behaving either. And on my own it's tough to handle both of them when tantrums and crab-fests start.

Maybe I'll try tomorrow .... but being the weekend and all, it might be crowded. At this rate I'm never going to be able to get her pictures done. And it's a huge bummer because by the time we get it done, and I get it hung up on our photo wall, it'll be time to replace it with the next month's shot. And I am NOT changing my plans and skipping this month. She will have her pictures taken every month, just like we did for her brother. I cherish those photos. It's one of the greatest things we did ...... seeing how much he changed over the course of his first year, and even now we still periodically take him for pictures, as well as birthday pictures each year.

And I am absolutely starving. I haven't actually made the time to get myself something for dinner. And yes, it's after 9pm, I realize that. I should have eaten hours ago, but I was taking care of the kids, doing laundry and handling some ebay auctions.

So, I think I'll head downstairs and drown my sorrows in a big bowl of Frosted Flakes.