Time Flies & My Body Still Aches

We're just a little over a week away from my appointment with the rheumatologist. It seems like the more anxious and stressed I get as the appointment nears closer, the faster the time seems to go.

As much as I want to know what's wrong, and how to feel better, I'm afraid. I've been blissfully able to continue on, ignoring what might be going on inside me. Granted, my thumb still hurts. Not as bad as it first did, but the pain is still there. And some days are better than others.

I've now also noticed pain in other joints, on my other hand. The stiffness has always been there, but now there's also pain. And I've also noticed that the pain worsens if my hands are cold. And many times they are so cold that the skin is blue underneath my fingernail.

There's also some pain in my feet, and obviously the back pain that plagues me to varying degrees on a daily basis. The other night I hurt everywhere. I was in tears. Desperate, I took a tramadol I still have hoarded away from a previous prescription.

And then there's my stomach issues. The dreaded "attacks" that most often wake me from a dead sleep in the middle of the night. The ugly, gnawing feeling in my gut that lands me in the bathroom for a good hour. Gnawing pain, cramping, which starts first as constipation and then with a few wiggles and rumbles of the intestines, things start moving thru easily, but not painlessly.

For me, this is the equivalent of some medieval torture method. I'm often rocking on the toilet, praying that God will just make. it. stop. SOON. Is it IBS? I don't know. Something more serious? Who knows. I do know that it will require a visit to the gastro doc and right now I'm not sure I can muster up enough courage to add in another specialist.

How is it possible that there can be so many things going on inside just one person's body?

I can't stop it from happening, so might as well embrace it

I've been freaking out about turning 30. It just seems so ...... I don't know. I don't want to say old because that's not really how I feel. I guess it just seems - different. Distinguished maybe? I don't know.

It's not like I can do anything about turning 30. It's going to happen whether I like it or not. Unfortunately. So....I'm going to grab 30 by the balls and make it the best damn year EVER.

And let me tell you .... while 2010 hasn't gotten off to the best start, I'm hopeful and excited and anxious for all the wonderful things to come.

For instance - seeing Michael Buble live the end of next month.

And then we can't forget my actual birthday in April and the fact that 2 days later I'll be in Vegas!

In June, I'll spend an evening gambling and livin' it up with my girlfriends at a NKOTB concert. July and August brings a couple Cubs games. And we'll cap off the summer with a trip to Disney World in September.

That's just the big things. I plan on fitting in plenty of time with the kids (going to see Toy Story 3 when it comes out, for instance), time with my girlfriends (really girls - let's set a date!) and time for myself (already read 5 books this year, let's see how many more I can add to that list).

So, you hear that 30??! I'm waitin' for ya! And I'm ready.

The big dark cloud of crapiness

I'm not quite sure why I continue to come back here every now and again to write. It's not as if there's a whole lot of commenting or reading going on. I'd be partly to blame for that, what with my lack of witty things to say. Oh, and the fact that I'm having a heck of a time reading and commenting on blogs myself.

These last couple weeks have been ...... well, how can I explain? Hectic. Sad. Happy. Depressing. Hopeful.

I've already mentioned about the health stuff going on. And it's amazing what pure ignorance can do for a person. I've pretty much just put it out of my mind, and I'm not agonizing over it. Of course every once in a while I think - "Hey, March 3rd is my appointment...." and then my stomach tightens and a million thoughts go running through my mind, until "Hey, look! A squirrel!" And I'm sidetracked with something else going on.

Like my husband being sick with strep. It was like death warmed over. An ER visit and a doctor visit all in a matter of, eh, maybe 30 hours? Add in a fever of almost 103, tonsils so swollen they were almost touching and 2 different kinds of antibiotics, and you can pretty much say he was down for the count for 2.5 days. Even after that time, he was still miserable, but at least the fever was gone and he was starting to feel a little more human.

Then, as he was recovering, our son came down with something. No idea what exactly it was that he had, but it resulted in vomit all over his bedroom floor. And that? IS. NO. FUN.

Later that evening, once my son had vomited himself to sleep, I checked my cell phone to find a text message from my boss. Long story short, her adorable papillon was attacked by a coyote that morning, and suffered such extensive injury, she couldn't be saved. She was put down and died later that afternoon. I was extremely fond of that little dog. My boss would bring her into the office often, and she would happily prance about. If it was summertime and I was wearing sandals, she'd pass through my office and lick my toes. It always made me laugh because any bare toes were liable to be licked, and it didn't fail. She did it each and every time she came in during the summer.

The whole thing has made me love on my cat all the more. I'm sure he's tired of me constantly picking him up and showering him with love and affection and kisses. But he's 13 years old, and I know that someday he'll have to cross that Rainbow Bridge. My heart hurts even just thinking about it.

And of course, during the course of all this craziness, my dear friend Nanci lost her father. He had been battling cancer and they knew these were his final days. He passed away on Sunday, and while we're all happy to know he's no longer suffering, I know how much her heart hurts. And mine hurts for her.

That's not even all of what has actually gone on, but that's enough gloom and doom for one post. It's no wonder no one ever comments. No sunshine & rainbows here!